Not Your Everyday Apple: January 2016

Warning: Lengthy word post ahead.

I don't know how to start this, but i really wanted to pen my feelings down because i feel like i physically can't say them out.

So, YS and I have officially broken up. We've been together for 5 years and 3 months.

Background information:

We had unresolved issues since the end of 2014 up till April of 2015 that's when we decide to take a break. After taking a break, things slowly started to look positive and I was happy that we both were on the same page in terms of our relationship. During mid November of 2015 i decided to surprise YS for his 21st birthday by going back to Singapore (SG) for a week and to also settle some other tasks. I found out something major during the trip back and was completely heartbroken and angry. (No, he did not cheat. One great thing about YS is that he's loyal and gets on better with male counterparts than female.) I still had a lot of feelings for him and felt that this is just a trail for the both of us. Therefore, I decided to go with my gut/feelings and forgave him and try to work things out.

Even-though i forgave him it's hard to forget. I'm the type of person that if you do me wrong, it'll take me a while to forget your mistake. Issues kept coming up, right till the day when he and our friends were flying to Melbourne to visit me.

During his trip here, we bickered a lot. I personally feel that it's the add up of everything he did. Whatever mistakes he did just amplified tenfold. Also it really did not help that he keeps repeating his mistakes, big or small. After his trip, we did our usual FaceTime catch up and got on to the topic of his mistakes, I brought up what he did wrong during his trip and explained why he should reconsider how he viewed himself and how people actually viewed him. I guess that provoked something and it led on to a verbal insult from him. Whatever he said, hurt me so much; it was like a wound that was slowly healing, it's still an open wound, but it's healing and suddenly, a sharp object pierce through the same wound again. The second stabbing hurts so much more.

I told him i don't deserve this, and that i'm done.

I do not care if he used the word "maybe" or whatever caution word he said before insulting me. The insult is still there. Remember as kids, we were so afraid to say a bad word and used the word "example" in the front before saying the bad word? But have you ever wonder why as we grew older, we don't use/care to say it anymore? Because we know the safe or cautionary word "example" is of no use, when you say a bad word, you've said it. It doesn't make a difference if the word "example" was used in the beginning of your swearing remark.

There are people out there, up till this date, still do not understand this concept. He's not alone. (Trust me, i would know)

Feelings:

I don't know how to react or deal with this break up, because he has been a constant in my inconsistent life and he was the one person whom i thought that wouldn't take my kindness, generosity, muddleheaded-ness, me, for granted. He was the one that i thought would understand and be on the same page with me when it comes to my problems. I'm not perfect and we all know there's not such thing as a perfect human. But at the very least, i would like to think that, to him, my flaws, my mistakes were perfect imperfections and he would teach me how to counter them one by one.

I knew we were in different stages of life, but i thought we had it in us to overcome it. However, i forgot that people are always changing and when they change, priorities change and feelings evolve.
I'm definitely not the same person as i was five years ago, certain characteristics remained, both good and bad but, i definitely grew and learned a lot over the years, and i believe that i was growing at such a rapid rate to the point where he couldn't keep up. By the time i realised this, it's hard for me to slow down and he was too far behind. I tried slowing down so he could catch up, but time waits for no one.

I too, know that i am partly to blame for this break up. I definitely have faults. I called to apologised after. He apologised during the break up, but he has said the word "sorry" so many times over the past year that the word now has not much meaning to it. When we say a word, we attribute a meaning to it. When you disassociate your word from meaning or context, and repeat it merely focusing on the sound of the word, we lose depth of meaning incrementally and it becomes a mere sound. Sadly, "sorry" became a sound to me.

This whole situation is a tornado hit for me because my life as i know it, is going to change drastically. This past year has been a whirlwind, several problems building up from a storm that i don't want to get into. However, having gone through multiple disasters, I'm somehow ok. Like all problems i've faced, i'll get through it but, the latest hit will take a while to fix. It hasn't sunk in that my life is going through major reconstruction right now, maybe i'm still in shock, and am avoiding it as much as i can. I don't really know, but I know that this set of emotions are very new to me and all i want to do is to run away from it, back to him. Run back to what was once comfortable and familiar to me.

I want to press call or text, when i see his name appear on my chat list, I want to talk to him about the mundane things happening, i really want to see him again. In general, i just miss him a lot. With so many triggers around me, refraining myself from calling or texting is really really hard. But I'm trying.

I try to be positive on what has happened and even-though so many problems occurred, i am blessed and am thankful for the positives that has happened this past year. I have a good set of friends i can rely on, i graduated, found a great internship, travelled a ton, blessed with a new home, my sister etc. I've gained much more than what i've lost. Although the bad things linger on your mind and body for a lot longer than the good things, but it too shall pass.

I just need to learn how to see the glass half full again.

Judgmental

"I'm done."

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