It's funny how we are fine with that much time spend apart, but crumble when we are together.

This year is just not going well at all. I'm at a point in my relationship with YS where it's only right that the next step we take is marriage. However, being only 20 and no financial independence we can't do that.  However, what we can do, is plan for our future. But as we start planning, things kept falling out of place. Reality strikes us like lightning and we realise, maybe we are not that compatible after all. Well at least for now, given our current positions in life.

Shocking, I know.

My heart feels heavy when i think about it, my mind can't stop thinking on finding another solution for it, when I close my eyes all i think about is what i can do to help our current situation. I'm not the only one hurting, he is too.

I want to spend as much time possible together while i'm here, but he does not feel the same way. I'm ready to plan our future together, but he can't due to his position in life. I'm going off into the working world soon but he has a long way to go before he even finishes his studies. Plus all the underlying factors we had that made us realise maybe time apart would be the best for us.

Time apart to grow, time apart to catch up, time apart to realise we were meant for each other. I do not want to constantly tell him, "you never change, 4 years and you're still the same, i'm tired." The reason why i do not see a change is that i'm always around him both emotionally and physically that i don't see the change.

I use to scoff when people said they are "too comfortable with each other" but i think i understand what it means now. We are too comfortable for our own good.  Doing our routine for so long that along the way, we forgot what is the meaning of our relationship. Trudging forward and neglecting the other was not helpful at all.

I keep asking myself how can i be so selfish to not think of him and why can't i just wait for him? Yet on my mind i kept thinking so what if i waited and pretend that everything is alright and put our future on hold? Will time wait for me? Will time return me back the years i would have lost?

Most importantly, would I have let myself do it? Waiting on a non- promising future? No.